6/8/2020

What have I been listening to?: Modern Loneliness - Lauv
What have I been watching?: Parks and Recreation
Last movie I watched: Kiki's Delivery Service

Second semester of my first year of law school has concluded. I actually just got my grades back this morning. All very good.

This semester was, again, difficult. I had a professor who has a documented history of berating and belittling his students. One student dropped the class and the school had to pay for that student to take the course over the summer through another law school in Cleveland. Students broke down in class, cried after class, stormed out of class, etc. It was a fairly traumatizing experience and I am ashamed that the University I committed to attend knowingly allowed this professor to bully his students year after year. I have been disheartened with the law school administration.

During my spring break the beginning of March, I drove to Eau Claire to stay with my cutie for a little while and would then spend the last few days of break at home in Rice Lake. We enjoyed watching a ton of Jeopardy and making meals together at his apartment.

While in Eau Claire, the severity of the pandemic became more prominent in Cleveland and I received an email from the University announcing that classes would proceed remotely and that if students were back home on spring break, that they should stay there and not return to Cleveland. I was so taken aback by this and the anxiety weighed in my stomach like rocks. I wasn't sure what to do. My roommate, who had stayed in Cleveland for break, promptly packed up and went back to New York. I ended up staying in Wisconsin for the next several months, with only the belongings I had brought with me on spring break. Luckily, I had my laptop and charger and other essentials, but my roommate had to mail me my binders and notes and more contact lenses from my room at the apartment before she left for NY.

So, I essentially moved back into my childhood bedroom in my parents' house. I could have gone back to Cleveland, but then I would have been 10 hours away from my partner and family and would have been completely alone. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to have gone back there.

Finishing the semester remotely was honestly awful. I felt trapped in my parents' house, a place I did not want to be, with people who did not fully understand the amount of time and effort I had to commit to law school. I rarely left the house. I did not see my partner for over two months. I had to stop running because I began having knee problems. I became a very angsty version of myself.

As finals approached, the class still did not know how exams would be conducted or how we would be graded. Eventually, the school announced that exams would be open-book and conducted online and that we would be graded on an Honors/Pass/Fail basis. Myself, Niko, and Clare met each day during reading week for a zoom study group in which we discussed our materials, just as we would have at our apartment in person. Despite the safety net of a pass/fail system, I still felt stressed and pressured to get Honors.

We've registered for next semester's courses, and yet we don't even know in what mode they will be given. I don't know if I will be attending in-person classes in Cleveland, or if the semester will go (fully or partially) remotely.

For a little while, it was unclear whether my previously secured summer externship would proceed. Luckily, it was not canceled. However, like the remainder of my classes, it was going to be conducted remotely. I began that externship on May 28th and have been continuing working out of my parents' house. It has been positive so far. I receive writing assignments from a law clerk for real cases and I conduct legal research to write memos, orders, etc. I am in my second week of that now and I think it is going well. I hope that my work is adequate for the law clerk. A lot of what I am assigned to do is completely new to me, and luckily I think my law clerk is conscious of that and is flexible. I kind of get to work on things at my own pace, to some degree, which is nice.

Outside of my externship, I have really been enjoying reading outdoors and relaxing on the deck. My mom scrubbed and cleaned up the deck and repainted it. With the assistance of my father, she removed the back porch door and painted it red. We strung lights along the length of the garage and got some hanging baskets and potted flowers. It is looking nice out there.

I have been reading a book called Middlesex that I am really enjoying. I have several books lined up (all purchases from ThriftBooks!) to read next. I enjoy the occasional bike ride and lots of walks with our dog Haley. I haven't really run for at least a month now because I don't know what the deal is with my knee. I watched soooo much Survivor on Hulu (like, upwards of 10 seasons I think).

Things are not exactly back to normal, almost three months later. I know this will sound selfish and small-minded, but all school year I looked forward to another dream-like summer where I'd actually get to see my partner on a regular basis and enjoy lots of time out and about. It would finally be a break and a time for enjoyment after a year of a lot of stress and hard work. Last summer involved trips to Stillwater, to the zoo, to the beach, going to movies, seeing friends, etc. We will see how things go in the next few weeks.

Like my last post, this has been a pretty negative one. Unfortunately, there have been a lot of hardships over the last few months. I am grateful, however, that my externship has not been canceled and that I can enjoy spending time outside reading and going on walks.

Until next time,
Ginger

2/23/2020

What have I been watching?: Survivor (Season 12 currently, there are over thirty seasons in Hulu in case you were wondering)
What have I been listening to?: Original - Sia

Yeah, it's me. Where in the flying fuck have I been, you may be wondering. Well, I have been in Cleveland suffering through my first year of law school.

It has been over a year since I posted. It's kind of hard to come back to it now, for a lot of reasons:

1. I am more overwhelmed with school work than I have ever been in my life, and I have been kind of suffering mentally as a result
2. Life isn't quite as bright as it used to be (not always, but a lot of the time) and so I'm not sure how much I want to document that

I moved to Cleveland in August. It was kind of a heartbreaking affair, to be honest. I had one of the best summers of my life in River Falls. I fell in love with a sweet boy that I went on picnics with. I stepped out of my little apartment each day and went on runs in the sunshine, came back and collapsed in my room, and just basked in the exhilaration and the bright light shining through my bedroom window. The summer brought beautiful joy to my heart in so many ways, and in mid-August I had to pack it all up and move away. 

I moved about 11 hours away to Cleveland, Ohio. I live on a cute street in Cleveland Heights with lots of old, but well-maintained, brick apartment buildings. I had never seen the apartment in person, nor the neighborhood, so I had no idea what to expect. Within about a week of moving in, I began orientation week for law school. That was a busy time, but it was nothing compared to the hell of the first week of classes. I know that my undergrad experience was easy, but the contrast between that experience and what I live now is obscene. That first week, I barely had time to eat meals or shower because I always had so much reading to do for the next day. I immediately questioned having ever decided to do this. 

Things eased up once the weekend came around and I was able to start getting ahead on readings for the coming days. But it has still been a tiring adjustment. At River Falls, I worked part-time, played a sport, and worked out and ran regularly, all while attending school full-time, and it never felt overwhelming. Now, I struggle to find time to do things that make me happy and make me feel like myself again. I know this post is going to come off as super pessimistic and a total bummer, but this is the reality. 

If you know me, you know that one of my favorite things to do is to go to the movies. Pre-law school, I went to the movies several times a month, at least. During my first semester of law school, I did not go to a single movie. My entire life changed. 

I am in my second semester now and trying so, so hard (and failing, to be honest) to prioritize myself. I tell myself over and over again that I don't care if I end up with average grades, because it is not worth what I have put myself through. But my brain is the way that it is, and it will not let me not give my best effort to school. I am praying so hard that I can lower my standards so that I can chill out, but I have not yet been very successful in that endeavor.

It has not been all bad. To prove it, here is a bullet list of things that are good:

• My contracts professor (last semester) is a Contracts god, and she got her JD from the University of Wisconsin-Madison
• I am still running, albeit less regularly, and am improving. My longest run is now up to 8 miles and I can do it at an 8:40 pace.
• One weekend I just said fuck it and drove 10 hours each way to see the cute boy that I fell in love with for about 36 hours (who I am still seeing) and seeing him for the first time since August was one of the most dream-like experiences I've ever had
• I am a part of a fun trio of friends who enjoy a lot of laughs and make things a bit brighter at school (shout out to Clare and Niko)
• I text my mother every day and we talk on the phone once a week. She is very supportive and makes me feel better
• I now have a membership at Planet Fitness and on one of my first visits there, I finally reached my goal of doing 5 miles on the bike in 20 minutes. I've gotten close so many times and had never been able to cinch it until very recently. 
• I got to go home for a Fall Break in October, during which I was able to show up at my old frisbee team's tournament and see them play. I also went home for Thanksgiving, which was a quick break but still very needed, and then the day after finals I got in my car and booked it the hell out of here. Over winter break I spent some time at home and also some time in MN with my cutie.
• I have a job (unpaid externship) secured for the summer, so I don't have to worry about that.

I usually hit the hay by 10:30 so I'm gonna sign off for now. There's so much more to tell but I'll try to post things a bit more regularly for the sake of documenting my life 'cause my memory's still trash. 

A few photos to end it. Peace.

Blonde, basking in glorious summer surrounded by greenery on one of my favorite summer spots: the back deck

Ice cream in Stillwater, MN with the cutie with the best shirts

UWRF graduation

Might not have picked the best one here 

Fall Break to the pumpkin patch

Christmas 2019

Christmas 2019

Weirdos :)