7/31/2022

 What have I been watching?: The Dropout (limited series on Hulu)

What have I been listening to?: New Emotion - The Aces

Yes, it has been a terribly long time since I've posted. But I have about the most compelling excuse I've ever had. The bar exam has been controlling my life in great part for the last two and a half months, and it is finally over.

For the entirety of my time in Milwaukee, I have had the impending doom of the bar exam looming over my shoulder. I began studying for it in May and recently took the exam in Chicago on the 26th and 27th. By the end there, I was fairly sick over it. One of the most shocking things about studying for the bar exam was the fact that even after three years of intensive legal education, plus over two months' worth of intensive bar preparation, I was still encountering in practice problems legal concepts and terms that I have never heard before in my life. I had originally thought that since I tried so hard in law school and took most of the bar-tested courses that bar prep would be mostly review. A good part of it was, indeed, review, but even for classes that I had already taken, there were concepts in bar prep that I hadn't encountered in the class. There simply isn't enough time in law school to learn everything that could possibly come up on the bar exam.

I don't know how much depth I want to get into re: the exam since I'm not sure how much I want to relive the experience. But I definitely did not have even a basic understanding of the commitment and expense associated with not only law school but also all of the other steps required to becoming a lawyer, including the bar exam. So maybe my discussing this will enlighten folks a bit.

I estimate that, overall, taking the bar exam cost me around $5,000, not to mention hundreds of hours of studying. My enrollment in the exam itself cost $1450. Usually, that would have been less, but I ended up enrolling in Illinois's bar exam during their "very late" period after having to switch from D.C. kind of last minute, so the price had gone up quite a bit (usually around $1000). My bar prep course (not a requisite, but highly recommended and statistically proven to significantly increase odds of passing) was $1500. This was not even the top, most established course. And that $1500 price is the lowest price they had--it was their discounted "public interest" version for folks essentially not working in firm jobs. If you work for a large firm, usually part of your compensation includes receiving a stipend for the summer as well as reimbursement for the entirety of your bar prep course.

I had to pay for two nights at a basic hotel in downtown Chicago, which cost me about $460. Then of course I used up about a half or three quarters of a tank of gas going to and from Chicago, so we'll call that $30. I had to pay somewhere around $150 for the software download on my own laptop to use for the exam. I had to pay for parking on a few occasions during my stay in Chicago, mostly for overnight next door to the hotel, for a total of around $35. And there were some costs for my additional study materials--loose leaf paper, highlighters, pens, etcetera--maybe around $15. 

The largest cost, however, was likely not a financial one but rather the mental one. Taking this exam seriously and treating this endeavor as a full-time job really weighs on you. The pressure is high. You're aware of the fact that even after your three years of expensive education, you still won't actually be able to be a lawyer if you can't finish this last hurdle. In hindsight, no rational person would put themselves through that risk. 

The bar exam took place on Tuesday and Wednesday of last week. I drove to Chicago Monday late afternoon to settle into my hotel and study for a couple hours more that evening. I have a moderate to severe anxiety disorder, and when I take tests or do other high-pressure things, sometimes parts of my body go kind of numb/tingly. Particularly this happens in my hands and occasionally my face. It feels like intense buzzing/static in my hands. Unfortunately, it was the worst I have ever experienced it on Day 1 of the exam. It made it kind of difficult to type. I have never before had it affect me so badly. Usually, I am a very fast typist but it definitely slowed me down because my hands were kind of clenched up. I remember looking down at them at one point and they were barely recognizable, rigid and inflexible. All I could do was keep breathing and do what I could to continue. 

Despite that setback, I feel pretty alright about how it went. The second day, I knew, would be less intense for me. The second day was 6 hours worth of multiple choice, while the first day was 6 hours worth of essays. Typing intensely for 3 hours straight and then another 3 hours straight is really taxing on the body. My hands and fingers physically hurt by the end of it, no doubt aggravated by the fact that my anxiety had rendered them almost immobile. 

Despite knowing that the second day would be a little easier for me, I still woke up and felt like throwing up that morning. I did not throw up, however, and got through the exam. I actually made friends with the girl I sat next to on both days. She had gone to school in D.C. and had a firm job set up in Chicago. We seemed similar in terms of preparedness, organization, and nervousness. I told her that there were way more people testing than I'd realized there'd be (probably over 500 people in my examination room) and she said there was actually a whole other examination site elsewhere, for people with last names beginning with the first half of the alphabet. I think more people sit for the Illinois bar than maybe any other state. It's definitely up there in terms of numbers. It was super unfortunate because during our brief half-hour lunch break, there were literally hundreds of women lined up to use the restrooms. We had to eat our lunch while waiting in line.

I was so relieved when it was over. Even by the beginning of the second day, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I knew that all I could do was my best and that it was just something to get through. I got in my car and drove immediately straight back to Milwaukee after it was over. I did not feel celebratory at all, but rather just fatigued and done in. It's like I felt after completing a week of exams for finals in law school. Getting to the end just feels like a matter of survival. I know this all sounds dramatic, but it truly is such a heavy burden to carry around for months. Maybe I will feel celebratory after a few more days of recovery.

Results will not be available until October. I am in a very privileged position because my clerkship is not contingent on my passing a bar exam. But of course, if I want to work as a lawyer after my two-year clerkship, I will need to have passed a bar. For some folks who have jobs set up (which they will likely already begin before receiving results in October), their continued employment is contingent on them passing. They could have gotten through a week, two weeks, three weeks of work just to discover they did not pass and be promptly let go. It is truly a horrifying system that I have subjected myself to. Imagine having signed a lease, after having moved to a city where you have no other support, just to discover a month in that you have lost your job because you fell short on the bar exam. 

I was so relieved to step back into my apartment finally after several days away. And to know that for the next several weeks, I am free to do truly whatever I please at whatever hour I please is so amazing. I haven't been able to say that for a long time. Over the past three years of law school I have had breaks of no longer than a week, really, and even then there were oftentimes other extraneous school-related responsibilities infringing on those breaks. But now I am sitting on my patio chair on my balcony on my new apartment in Walker's Point, and I am up earlier than usual just because I figured I'd enjoy the morning hours relaxing, and I can hear birds chirping and there is a light breeze. The tower on the Rockwell Automation building near to my building says it is 74 degrees at the moment. I love it here and have been so happy to have this space for myself. I feel very lucky. Just yesterday I brought my yoga mat out here onto the balcony and did a practice out in the open air. It was awesome and refreshing.

Now, I'll back up a bit and try to cover some things that I did over the last month or so in between my studying. I've begun seeing a gentleman here in Milwaukee whom I met on a dating app. We went on a first date end of May, not long after I arrived here, and have been seeing each other since then. He is a competitive mountain biker and so I've gone to see a few bike races. 

Wisconsin Off Road Series 

My own bike is in pretty rough shape at this point. It's not actually rideable right now--both tires are flat and probably need new tubes. The chain is also crazy, crazy rusted. Jacob (the gentleman) and my mother both think probably I shouldn't put any more money into it and should just save up to get a better bike. This was just a $120 Craigslist bike. I would like to invest in a new, better bike, but I obviously have not had a proper income for years, and won't have even a single paycheck till October. Getting a new bike will have to wait at least several months--realistically, probably till the Spring.

I also did a camping overnight earlier this month. I was supposed to go with my friends Anna and Phil but Anna unfortunately got covid so things understandably kind of fell apart. I still had the reservation, though, so I went by myself because I'd been curious to try to do a solo bit of camping anyways. I was very proud of myself because I did everything by myself. Set up my tent, gathered all my wood (I didn't actually purchase any firewood, just collected dead wood from around the area) to have enough of a fire to cook my dinner, etc. I enjoyed reading an ebook on my iPad in the evening once it got dark and I'd settled into my sleeping bag in my tent. I only lost confidence in my outdooring skills the next day when I went to take down the tent and discovered it had at least 7 spiders on it. I seriously considered just leaving it there.

Was very proud of the impossible burger I cooked over the fire

I had the campsite for two nights but only ended up doing one. I left the next morning and ended up hanging out with my brother instead. He was going to join me camping that second day & night but it was forecasted to be a rainy day & night so we figured it wasn't worth us being out there just to be cooped up in the tent or car. We ended up just hanging out in Milwaukee instead.

Also have played a few days' worth of tennis. Last summer I played so much tennis with folks from school. Myself and a couple people actually had kind of unintentionally created this little tennis club for the summer. It grew a bit too much for comfort, actually, lol. On some days, there were just too many people for it to be manageable. Here in Milwaukee, now, I have played with my brother and sister-in-law once or twice, but also with Jacob a few times. Jacob hasn't historically played much tennis but he has enjoyed it well enough to have invested in a pair of rackets of his own.

Made pita pizzas with Jacob

My darling brother and I at a wedding in July

During the beginning of July, I went home for several days. My brother and sister-in-law's birthdays were around that time, and there was also a family wedding to attend. I somehow drove the 4.5 hours up to Rice Lake from Milwaukee having kind of forgotten about the wedding part, so I had to go to Goodwill and get a dress (see navy checkered dress above) and borrowed heels from my sister. It was a good time seeing relatives and all that. Of course, I also love getting to see and play with my little corgi nephew, Finn. My siblings and I, plus Daniel and Finn, all played a bit of volleyball in the field near the house. It was kind of more like keep-away from Finn, who would sink his teeth into the volleyball anytime he got near it. It was so funny, he was absolutely exhausted from chasing it back and forth. I've never seen him breathing so hard.

Atwater Beach in Shorewood area

I have had a couple beach days, although not nearly as many as I had last summer in Cleveland. Any time I had a free day in Cleveland, I would love to go lay out at Edgewater Beach. It was just so relaxing to listen to my music and soak up the sun. Not as many opportunities for spending some hours at the beach what with studying this summer, but have now visited both Bradford and Atwater beaches. Bradford seems to be the more popular location--it is much bigger, more of a party beach, with multiple tiki bars and like twenty volleyball courts. Atwater is a bit farther north, more secluded and smaller, but I think a little nicer. Atwater is more picturesque and serene. Tons of stairs to get down to the beach from the cliff above, though. Lake Michigan is just absolutely stunning. It was terribly freezing though, even just yesterday when I went there around noon.

Ikea afternoon yesterday with Jacob

Yesterday, Jacob and I had planned to go to Ikea for part of the day. We had lunch there (I've never eaten there before--it was adequate at best) and of course browsed around for several hours. Jacob was in the market for a floor lamp, and he got a cool industrial-looking one. I was not in the market for anything in particular but did end up getting some clothes hangers and this little shelving unit which I plan to put in one of my tall entryway cabinets for additional storage. I think I will put cleaning and laundry supplies on it. The shelving unit was white and I decided I wanted to try to paint it, so Jacob and I went to Lowes and got two cans of green spray paint. We then set about painting the shelving unit in Jacob's driveway (well, Jacob mostly did the painting and I did some filming for a TikTok about the project). I think it's going to look great and was a fun thing for us to do together. I was surprised by how much spray paint it took, though (we used both cans), resulting in me spending as much on the paint as I did on the unit itself.

Frozen yogurt in Wauwatosa

And I can't remember if I've uploaded the above picture already or not, but that's a look at my living room area in my apartment. I've got my futon from my previous apartment for now (it suffices) and a lovely TV stand from Target. Jacob actually helped me assemble the TV stand on our first date after we had dinner at an Italian restaurant lol. He works in tool design so I figured he would have some handyman skills I might as well put to use. I've got my law school class photo framed and hung on the wall to the left there, along with a photo of my siblings and I, and I recently got my updated diploma with my honors designation in the mail, so I'll need to get that framed as well. I also got a certificate for my Order of the Coif honor and I think I'll frame and hang that, too.

I've got a few more days to myself here in Milwaukee, and then my family is actually going on a vacation together to Washington state. Except for my brother and sister-in-law, who visited there for their honeymoon, the rest of us have never been. I know we'll plan to spend some time in Seattle and do some out-of-the-city hiking and exploring. 

Despite the everyday studying over the last several months, I have still managed to enjoy myself as well, as you can see. I tracked all of my study time by starting and stopping a timer on my phone when I studied during the day. I would turn it off during meals and breaks so I could really track only my active study time. I would take breaks during the day sometimes to go bike on the stationary bike down in the gym and have a midday shower, which helped refresh things. 

I wasn't able to do quite as much for myself this summer as some previous summers, but I still had some fun and have enjoyed being able to see Jacob, my friend and old coworker Jack, and my family on occasion. 

I am being sworn into the court on August 3 and start my clerkship the 15th. I'm really looking forward to beginning work because I think I'll be able to transition into it pretty well. During my time off before then, I will probably want to go do a bit of shopping to find a few more pieces of work clothing. I could use another suit or two and some more formal clothes in general. 

Another post will follow, I'm sure, describing my family's trip and the rest of the summer's happenings.