What have I been listening to?: Trampoline - Kalin and Myles
What have I been watching?: Jersey Shore
Last meal I ate: Vegetarian corn dog, Colby jack cheese stick, grapes, almonds
The fall semester has come to an end. I had my last day of classes on Friday and have been diligently preparing for my finals. I sometimes feel that I take my education more seriously than a lot of the people here. People that have likely never set foot in the library are now crowding all the tables I usually occupy (I assume they are attempting to learn for the first time their course material). Because I primarily study political science, my final exam prep basically consists of going through readings (that I have already read in entirety, highlighted, and made notes in the margins) and writing down the most pertinent, concise information for possible essay question topics. I basically write out all the information I have on the subject and then go back through it and highlight the key words. I write everything down by hand, as opposed to typing it out, because I remember it better that way. I actually have to think about the words as I am writing them, and the words stick in my mind longer while writing a sentence out by hand than by typing. Anyways, it's a long, thorough process but so far it has served me well. I study a lot and I'm trying to put in as much work as I can so that I can walk away from my finals knowing I made the best effort I could. I have really adopted a saying that my mom taught me: "Do your best and forget the rest." I used to always be so anxious over my school work and grades. I would get so worked up over everything. But I've been a lot better about just putting in my best effort and moving on. And I don't procrastinate because I know that I will be more at ease by being organized and getting things done ahead of time. I really like my personality in that way. I am really efficient and driven. It's something I hold a lot of pride in.
I never talked about my wisdom teeth surgery, and that was several weeks ago. I was really nervous going into it. Like sweating, feeling panic and dread. I mean, I was going under anesthesia so I knew there was a slight possibility that I could just go under and never wake up. That's what was really getting to me. When they called my name to go in for the surgery, I looked over at my brother and thought about the possibility of never seeing him again. I couldn't say anything because I was choking up so I just got up and went in there. I sat in the chair and they hooked me up to monitors. Gas mask went on and as it started to work on me, I got really panicky. I could feel my body going numb and I was really scared honestly, because my body wasn't responding right to my brain and I was also really hurting inside because I was thinking about all the people I love. I thought about someone that I loved but never told, someone who is no longer in my life. I didn't want to die. I know this probably sounds dramatic since it was only a wisdom teeth surgery but this was all totally real to me. I started crying and things were getting hazy but I remember the assistant wiping tears away from the corners of my eyes. IV went in and that didn't hurt so bad, I mostly just hurt inside. The next thing I remember was being lead to my car through the parking lot by my brother, and him opening the car door for me and getting inside. Apparently the surgery went quickly, only taking something like 35 minutes. I was in the chair in the room for near an hour afterwards because I was still so out of it. My brother and I had planned ahead of time for him to sneakily take videos of me while the assistant wasn't in the room (sometimes they don't let you do it?) and my brother thought he was going to get caught because I kept saying "I consent to this, I consent to being videotaped" while the assistant was in the room, which would have been funny if I hadn't been nearly sobbing through it. My brother said me coming off the anesthesia was a combination of funny and sad. In the videos he took, I could see I was crying a bit and asked about five times some variation of the question "It's over? They did the surgery already? Everything came out already?". At one point I was crying and looked at him and pointed at him and said "I'm not crying cause of sadness, I'm not crying cause of pain, okay? I just have a lot of emotions in me." One of the sadder parts was when I said something like "I'm glad I didn't die because I should have told some people some things...but I'm probably still not going to tell them." But then some of the funnier parts were: "Are you getting good video? For scientific study...for comedic study..."
When making my appointment for the surgery, the oral surgeon had told me that it would be fine to get it done on Friday and return to university Sunday to resume school on Monday, that this would be a sufficient recovery time. That was a lie. I felt like death. I was high on Vicodin and was dead. I went to my first class on Monday feeling alright but after I took the flight of stairs up to the second floor, I took an immediate turn for the worse. I was on the verge of passing out the whole class period. I sat there in a comatose state, and weirded out my desk mate, who I turned to and stared at, puzzled, and told "You look different. Why do you look different." Very rarely do I miss class, only if I am very ill do I not go to class. This is because I take very diligent notes and when I miss class, I have to get sub-par notes from someone. But that day after that first class, I went back to the dorm, sent a courtesy email to my professor, and slept.
I was also a bit paranoid about taking my prescribed painkillers because I had recently learned in a criminology course that Vicodin is an extremely addictive drug and that many people just taking it as prescribed for an injury become addicted to it. So I probably didn't take it as much as my pain warranted. Also for about a week or two afterwards, I was having weird twinges and feelings in my cheek on my jaw, near my ear, and I was very concerned that I had permanent nerve damage as a result of the surgery. Thankfully, I am no longer experiencing those feelings. Overall, my wisdom teeth surgery was not a pleasant experience. Returning to school two days after this surgery was not ideal. I would not recommend it.
Yesterday my ultimate Frisbee team had a Christmas party gift exchange. I was gifted a jug of apple cider and a box of assorted teas. I was pleased. After our gift exchange, we cleared the living room and had a dance party. We like to dance even though we're not very good. It was a bittersweet occasion because several of the team members are leaving for a semester abroad. One team member is graduating and one is transferring to another school. The two that will be leaving permanently were gifted with framed photos of the team so they "will always remember they have a family and a home here." I teared up. The two leaving permanently are some of the kindest, most fun and genuine people I have met here at school. I hope they come back to spend time with us when they can.
So as this semester comes to a close, I have so many mixed feelings. I am so proud of the hard work that I have put in and the determination and drive that I have kept constant this semester. I am proud of myself for being productive and reaching a high level of achievement, but I'm more proud of being true to myself--going makeup-free sometimes, not conforming to the values that other people hold, and being happy just being by myself. I am so happy because I have met more friends and great people than I ever could have imagined, truly. When I was awaiting my transfer to this school, I just hoped that I could meet a couple people to hang out with. I never expected to join a team and become a part of a family. I didn't expect to make friends that would dance with me in the middle of campus, or use their guest pass meals on me so we could all have a team dinner at the dining hall, or join me in driving around for hours listening to music and going nowhere in particular. And so this also feels bittersweet. Many of the people that I have become close to are moving on and moving away. I know it is harder for them than it is for me, because I have been in their position. I will always remember them fondly and will look forward to seeing them again in the future.
I've made my heart heavy.
-G
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